Apathetic Oxygen

While I realize that most of my posts of late are basically my treatment experience I wanted to say that I am glad to be able to share them.  Depressing, anxiety provoking, angst though they may be, these thoughts and experiences are real.  These are the things I experienced while at EDCare, a place that... Continue Reading →

Breakfast Thoughts

Feeling: done, rage, insecure, lost, alone, desperate, fucked, so fucked, apathetic Breakfast thoughts: Just do it so you can be alone. That's the whole point, isn't it? To be alone and die? Nobody knows Nobody cares You're fucking fat Stop yelling at me! Just fucking Eat! Complete. You fucking cow. I hate you so much.... Continue Reading →

Addition on top of Addition

Feeling: perplexed, detached, like hiding, disconnected, disgruntled, irritable Asked about Monday dinner off.  Primary said it's up to me because I have a lot of restoration work to do.  Should have asked my dietician instead. Asked dietician about "restoration work". She said my weight leveled off, so another addition is added. Said my metabolism is... Continue Reading →

Protection

Feeling:  withdrawn, pissed off, irritable, aggravated, disconnected Jules leaves today.  What am I going to do with myself?  Withdraw, obviously.  Spend my nights alone and in my head. Can't wait. Realizing how much I avoid, hide, deny (?) so I don't get hurt. Is that the reason I hate how my husband treats me? Because... Continue Reading →

Do NOT Drown

Take a step back, Look around, Don't allow yourself to drown. It occurs to me that I am shutting down.  A little more each day I go more and more numb.  I retreat within myself. It began with the self harm on my leg.  No one knows, no documentation. Continued with the caffeine. And sneaking... Continue Reading →

That 6 Week Mark

Just So DONE. 6 weeks in. Achieved blue level. My motivation to keep trying is maintaining earned privileges, but today those were basically taken from me. Van isn't full. No need to drive everyday, Which means no freedom in the evenings to go on my own outings. So WTF is the point of blue level??... Continue Reading →

Self Harm Inventory

Thoughts Surrounding Self Harm... I just want to die. I fucking hate myself. Just leave me alone. Let me be. I'm done. Nothing / no one is going to help. This (whatever you want me to do) isn't going to help. Be miserable. Just do it.  You'll feel better. Make yourself miserable. You know you... Continue Reading →

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