The Wall of Silence

I am scared to write these words, but they must be said.

I am sitting here watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer with my girls and my legs won’t stop shaking. I have slowly come to the realization that this is because I made a comment on another social media site that could be seen by the second man I spoke of in a previous post.

Unfortunately, it was replied to by someone and I cannot delete the comment or take down the other person’s reply.

The anxiety sunk in as I realized the possibility of said man seeing and recognizing me.

Stupid me. But I’m so tired of being put down, indirectly bullied and harassed, that I decided to make this generic comment just to speak out.

For over a year and a half I have silenced myself, endured the trauma, threats, and other abuses when I just want to speak out so badly.

I know speaking out won’t do any good. I know the story being played out by the other party will not change.

Even now I recoil from stating the obvious, from calling a spade a spade: An abuser an abuser, a stalker a stalker because that is what he is and I should speak my truth, but I am afraid.

What if he sees this? What can he do?

No really, Kelsi, so what if he sees? So what? What can he do? Why shouldn’t you speak your truth? Why do you hide behind a wall of silence?

What do I do?

Speak my truth regardless of the possibility that my former abuser might see?

I feel like I need to in order to heal, to take back my power, to overcome the fear and anxiety.

I’m just not exactly sure how to go about it….

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