The Little Grey Mouse

It has been too long.

I have denied the quiet, homely, peaceful place that I call my blog.
It’s more of an online diary, I suppose.

No one reads it anymore. And that’s okay. I don’t know that I need anyone to read what I write here.

I’m sure I have been tucked away in the recesses of someone’s mailing list and if you happen to be one of those, I apologize for creeping like this.

Life has a way of happening and this year it has happened to me.

Just today I experienced life. The wind blew as it commonly does here in Kansas and made a mess of things and I was without power for a few hours.

I calmly lit some candles and made sure to stay off of my phone so that my battery would not deplete very fast, but the anxiety crept in.

The anxiety keeps creeping in. Every day it creeps and more and more.

I am finding it harder and harder to leave my house, to drive my car, to go grocery shopping or even just shopping in general for something that I might like.

I find it hard to talk to people even if it’s just on the phone or through text message or social media.

I am finding it hard to type these words, to be this vulnerable, to let anyone know what is really going on.

I think the cause is due to all of the bad things that have happened to me in the last two years.

I was mentally, verbally, sometimes physically, and occasionally sexually abused by the man I chose to build my life with from the age of 17. I was threatened with the loss of everything I held dear when I chose to stand up for myself and leave the toxicity that I once called love.

Then, I was mentally and verbally abused by a man I chose to trust with my life, one I chose to call my best friend, one I allowed into the deepest recesses of my mind.

That same man stalked me when I left his grip and as far as I know, still does to this day.

He indirectly threatened me and those I love on several occasions, spews lies about me, calls me horrid names, and talks badly about me in places that he knows I will hear about it.

I’m safe now, I am loved, I am appreciated, I am valued, but all of those things have left me in a heaping mess of terror and fear.

I saw the second man for the first time in a year and a half last week and I’ve had night terrors about him since.

It is safe in my home, it is safe in my car, but I do not feel safe stepping out beyond those two things. I do not feel safe driving very far or talking to people that I am unfamiliar with or picking up food at restaurants that I’ve never been to before.

I don’t feel safe going to familiar places if there are lots of people there or lots of movement or lots of sounds or bright lights.

A little over a week ago the car behind me was in a bad wreck. I watched it happen in my rearview mirror and now even doing the things that I was doing when that happened provoke fear and anxiety. Just the thought of repeating the actions in a similar manner provokes an anxiety so bad that I physically ache.

And I just wanna know what happened to me…

When did I become this fearful little mouse that must scurry away at the slightest movement….

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