(FOR THE FAINT OF HEART)
I am FUCKING Miserable.
I just ate 10 chicken nuggets and 5 fries after 2 apples (Which ED intended to be my supper) and I literally want to cry.
But I can’t.
So I sit here with my brain swirling and fighting and conglomerating with all of these ED thoughts.
As I walked into the store to get a can of rotel I realized my stomach was flat and my pants were hanging off my hipbones and while this should be cause for concern I simply smiled and held my head high.
Now I am panicky.
Sitting straight as possible so I don’t feel the food pushing up on the top of my stomach
Fighting the urge to just try to purge even though I know it won’t work.
I can’t go to bed because I have to pick up my daughter as the bus comes through town.
Which means I can’t take meds that would calm my mind
Which means I get to practice sitting in my shit;
WHITE KNUCKLING IT as it were.
I was going to go for a walk but it is almost too dark now, too cool.
And let’s be honest, at this point I’d probably fucking run until my lungs gave out, or my heart exploded, or I fell and broke something.
I fucking hate this.
I also fucking hate the thought of facing this day in and day out in treatment over the summer.
Why can’t I be skinny AND healthy?
WHY CANT I LIVE WITHOUT EATING
WHO says that shit?!
Well, apparently, me.