It’s Okay to Deserve

It seemed like fun,
Like something to help me get into better shape,
Like something that would help me feel more confident,
Like something to help me be a better me….

Or at least like something to help me like me a little more.

But then,
Well, then….

Then I can’t stop.
Then I can’t do this or that or the other thing…

Things that seemed so small,
So INSIGNIFICANT before;
Like having that fun-size piece of Halloween candy,
Like going out to lunch with my favorite aunt,
Like just getting dressed and out the door on time.

And why?

Why?
Well, because,
Well I just can’t.

The fear it incites is too much to handle.

Wouldn’t you rather be skinny?
Tall and thin like the girl you see in the mirror?
Wouldn’t you rather that number decrease just the slightest?
Whether it be on the scale, or the calorie count, or the exchange list?

Wouldn’t you rather feel in CONTROL,
Confident?
Beautiful?

Wouldn’t you rather see the results of all your hard work?

Why would you let that slip away?
Why would you waste all of your effort?
All those hours spent at the gym,
All those numbers you crunched time and again,
All of that self denial,
All of that time and energy….

But then,
Well, then….

I’ll never live the life I want,
Never accomplish what I am called to do.

I’ll never finish school,
Sew that next dress,
Learn to crochet over FaceTime with my dear friend,
Write that book,
Finish this blog,
Care for my children into their middle ages,
Grow old with my Husband,
Love my God completely, wholly, as in agape…
Grow my hair out,
Grow as a person,
Get married,
Have children,
Fly to England,
See the Mutter Museum,
Finish all those embroidery projects with my elderly, yet nimble fingers,

I’ll never live.

And neither will you.

It’s just food.  It’s just water.
It’s okay to struggle.
It’s okay to giveway to tears.
It’s okay to feel….
Abandoned,
Unloved,
Forsaken,
Lost,
Lonely,
Hurt,
Anger,
Sadness,
Despair,
Fallen Apart,
Like Dying.

And it’s okay to still deserve to eat,
Deserve to live,
Deserve to love…
AND BE LOVED.

It’s okay to still deserve to drink water,
Deserve to smile,
Deserve to laugh,
Deserve to dance….
In the dark or in the light,
At midnight or midday.

It’s okay to live.
You deserve to live.

 

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