This is Where My Heart Got Me

S said I have sad eyes.
A said I looked intimidating today.
and that she looks up to me.
Primary said I talk out of both sides of my mouth —
hence the need for combining family therapy with one primary session per week.

R (psychiatrist) wasn’t interest in staffing today.
He was staring at his phone, a stylus in hand, a million miles away .

I’ve got to quit talking.
Everything I say is used against me.
Was I consciously pushing away emotions while my daughter was crying?
“Self fulfilling prophecy” – I think everyone is going to push me away so I push everyone away.
Protective mechanism.
Developed in my brain for oh, 3/4 – 7/8 of my life
to keep me from feeling hurt,
reinforced through repeated experiences of people I love or care for hurting me.

Restricted ProBase Bar because I have no room.
Still full from breakfast, snack, and lunch.
They didn’t ask and I didn’t tell.

So done.
Just want to go home.
Except J will leave me so I don’t have a Home.
He’ll take the children away from me.
The house.
My furniture.
Probably my car.
He’s done.
He’s said it how many times now?

I’m alone.
Utterly.  Totally.
Maybe God is leaving too.
That’s sacrilegious, Kelsi.
God won’t leave you,
It isn’t in his nature.

I want to purge.

To blow my fucking brains out.

I do not want tomorrow to come.
I am dreading it with all my heart.

L says to check in with house staff,
ask her to quote me
So my team will see the note,
Know how I’m feeling.

They’ll just twist everything I say.
Must act unaffected.
Be fine.
J will see the self harm,
say I’m not fine,
but I am.
Because that’s what I do.
That’s what people need from me.

I don’t have time to be a shit show.
I’ve done that before.
People I care about leave.
Can’t handle me.
Fuck it.
I’m restricting.
I don’t care if ED gets pissed.
Maybe I’ll get so triggered I will purge.
Because that’ll be fun.
I’m tired of my stomach sticking out so far and it hurting me to suck in.
I was looking forward to my husband coming,
to going to the baseball game,
to the fun we’d have,
but now,
Now I’d rather isolate in my head
Somewhere safe
Somewhere alone.
Why do I let people in?
Because I followed my heart.
But it’s full of deceit,
And I listened.
I let it control me.
My love of people controlled me
My desire for acceptance
for love
for connection
Controlled me.
Day 29 of treatment.

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