I should be doing homework. I’m almost done with an assignment that has been overwhelming to say the least, but instead, here I sit on my deck, thinking that it’s time. Time to write. To try to get a glimpse of reality, my reality, or what could be my reality.
The weather is lovely, warm, with only a slight breeze (in Kansas?? I KNOW!), and the sun is shining. My favorite therapist used to repeatedly implore me to get as much sunshine as I could because it helps the body produce vitamins vital to brain function. I will forever think of that when I am sitting in the sun and smile.
A month or so ago I called my insurance company and asked for a behavioral health case manager to aid me in finding a treatment facility will to accept my insurance so that I *might* be able to get some much needed treatment. Honestly, I did not think that she would have any luck so when she called to say they could not find any facilities that would even look at my insurance I wasn’t surprise (but ed was relieved)…and then she said, BUT. I was shocked. BUT they did find one treatment center willing to do a single case agreement…. Namely the treatment center I go to on an outpatient basis and attended once before inpatient.
My anxiety has been in nonstop overdrive since that day. Future-tripping happens on a daily basis. What if it doesn’t work. What if I go and the insurance denies me like last time. What if I can’t pay for it. What if I don’t like the other patients or they don’t like me. What if I gain weight. What if I like recovery. What if I have to eat foods I don’t like. What if I can’t do it… What if I am all alone. What if I make friends who two years down the road are not my friends anymore. What if it’s too triggering. What if my clothes don’t fit. What if I come home and can’t control it and I fall right back to the spot I’m at now. Why try? Why go?
I have too much to do this summer; clean and fix the pond, pull weeds, cultivate the grass, clean up the tree beds, paint the deck, train the noodle head Aria, clean the windows inside and out, learn to play the piano, continue with school, teach my daughter how to drive, work on my spirituality, work on my way back to the church, work, bullet journal, doodle, paint with my friend, paint with my friend’s daughter, go fishing, go hiking with my husband, get my driver’s license renewed, pay off bills.
I just can’t up and leave. Can I?
My husband leaves in August to go on a 21 day hike. If I go to treatment I might not get to say goodbye to him. What if something happens to him and I never see him again: Future-tripping and Catastrophizing 110%.
I am terrified of going. I CANNOT have the same experience I had last time or I don’t think I will ever be recovered. My psychiatrist assured me that everyone is terrified when they first go, but I am not terrified of treatment, I am terrified of feeling so much hopelessness again. I know I will spend the entire time (or most of it) worrying about when insurance is going to cut me off, but then, maybe a single case agreement is different. Maybe I can know what will happen when so I am expecting it instead of not knowing like last time.
Ed is worried that I won’t be able to keep track of my intake anymore, nor my weight. He’s worried that they will take away “our” control and force me to do things I (he) don’t want to do. He’s worried I will have to spend money on new clothes because mine won’t fit anymore.
He is already compromising with me: you can gain weight while you are there, but whatever you come home with is the highest you’ll ever be. You can eat their foods and even like them, but when you come home it will be important to cook your own foods and portion. You’ll be required to curb your intake once you get out, too, so don’t get used to eating whatever whenever.
Oh, and then there’s the whole, “You don’t know when you’ll be going so you better make sure to get down to weight before you leave. You better use your entire bottle of pills, entire package of lax (that one you’re hiding in the garage), and alll of your diuretics before you go.
He’s so stupid, and annoying. But he won’t shut up and I continue to listen to him. FML.
I did an intake assessment a week ago Monday and a medical clearance assessment Thursday. Now I just wait. The treatment center said that once they get my medical clearance they will give it to my psych who will fill out the necessary paperwork and send it to my insurance. From there it can take anywhere from a week to a month for the insurance company to determine the details, I guess. I said I’d rather wait til May 21 to start so I don’t have to miss any of my girls’ end of school stuff, but that means that I might not be home in time for my husband’s send off date which is like August 11 or 12, supposing I stay the entire three months.
Okay, I’m done thinking about it for a while. Going to go take anxiety meds and do that assignment so I can get on with my day. Thanks all for listening, for praying, for supporting, for doing what you do; it is VERY much appreciated.